Chicken wings and tire swings will make for a memorable Super Bowl
Published 12:00 am Thursday, February 2, 2006
[2/2/05].
Sunday is Gluttony Day in the United States. It’s the one day a year when one can eat five dozen chicken wings for breakfast and no one will even bat an eye. It’s time to put on your favorite team’s jersey and watch how it becomes a napkin.
The first pregame show will start shortly after the Friday evening news. We’ll be shown profiles on every player, player’s wife, coach, concession stand worker and the guy who blares Arena Rock to fire up the crowd. The grounds crew, seat painter and light bulb changer all get segments.
“Well, it’s pretty high up there, but these lights are mighty important.”
Now that the pre-pre-pregame show has ended, the pre-pregame begins. Studio hosts gather on a mock football field in suits, ties and dress shoes diagramming every passing play known to man. Watching a gimpy Troy Aikman pump-fake Jimmy Johnson just makes the afternoon.
Two hours before kickoff, friends begin to arrive, the first batch of wings disappears and, already, the group has concluded that this year’s Super Bowl ads aren’t as good as last year’s. The studio hosts are already making their fourth game prediction.
By the time John Madden and Al Michaels appear in the ABC television booth, your pants no longer fit the same and a cheese dip stain changes your Peyton Manning jersey into a Eli Manning jersey.
Next is a 35-minute rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” – I swear some of these anthems take longer than the War of 1812 that inspired it. The patriotic flyover is ruined because the pilots had been told the anthem would last only 5 minutes. As the planes fly over the stadium, fans are just reaching the dawn’s early light.
We then get our first tour of Madden’s bus and a 10-minute explanation of why he doesn’t like to fly. He draws circles and arrows around an image of a jet’s engines. “Well, Al, I’m afraid that these two here will fall off. BOOM!”.
The first official commercial – the $2.5 million-for-30-second variety – features a male concoction of beer, horses, pickups and an old man throwing a football through a tire while his wife cheers him on. The room fills with a few fake laughs as if required.
Eighteen minutes later, we return to action and watch the kickoff. It draws an illegal block in the back call and we see 12 replays as Michaels bellows, “If you see the name on the jersey, don’t hit him.”
Seven more commercials follow and we’re back in the stadium. Seeing as the Steelers are a run-dominated team, the clock will be moving most of the time. ABC will then have to cram more commercials in between drives. There will be so many commercials between drives we’ll think it’s time for March Madness.
Halftime will last two days with Keith Richards exposing his nipple after he and Mick Jagger get caught up in each other’s jewelry. The exposure will draw criticism from senior citizen groups.
The third quarter starts and half the room has either gone home, gone to bed or are in the corner muttering something about cheese dip.
The party comes to life in the fourth quarter. Surprisingly this game is close and the excitement builds. There’s even a chance you could win the office pool. With seconds to play, the Madden Cruiser will appear again with some player’s face superimposed over one of the windows. The game clock hits 0 as the real clock strikes 11.
Those who can walk, head home bidding farewell to another Super Bowl, making plans for next year, and an appointment to the doctor to solve this cheese dip thing.