“Your primary reason,” the first line of the canine adoption questionnaire read, “for adopting a dog is?”

Companionship, guard dog, fighting. Fighting? If you checked fighting, put the pen down, enjoy a Dr Pepper and watch “Lassie,” an adopted dog is not in your future.

Most reputable adoption agencies ask prospective “parents” to answer myriad questions about the pet’s future. One must wonder, though, whether a dog is in one’s future if the questions are answered truthfully.

Where would the dog sleep? Wherever she wants, including, but not limited to, lengthwise on the couch, in an upright position in the passenger seat of an automobile and under a sweet gum tree.

Do you intend to hire a dog-sitter or take the dog to a day-care center? What happens at doggy day care, milk at 10 and story time at 11?

When at home, the dog would be? Likely trying to lap beer from a pint glass. Oh, that’s not one of the answers. Inside, outside or other. Well, if a dog is neither inside nor outside, where would it be? Stuck in the window trying to get out?

Which rooms or areas of the home will be off limits to the dog? The refrigerator.

Do you allow dogs on the furniture? Will the dog allow me on the furniture?

How do you plan to handle your dog’s exercise needs? Rowing machine and treadmill daily, free weights on Mondays and Wednesdays, Yoga on Saturdays.

Do you feel obedience training makes a dog a better companion? A belly rub and an occasional T-bone steak makes a dog a better companion.

What provisions would you make for the dog if you had to move on? Keep the passenger seat vacant.

Under what circumstance would you not keep the dog? Illness in family, barking, digging, divorce… Divorce? I never knew I could divorce a dog, interesting.

If dog becomes destructive, what would you do? Esquire magazine.

If dog has accidents at your home? She’ll fit right in.

What would you do if your dog got bigger than expected? Cut out the Doritos for breakfast

Is there a maximum amount you would spend on your dog’s medical needs? The dog I have now had anterior cruciate ligament surgery, next question please.

Oh, that’s the last question? Did I pass?

I’ll be expecting a call from the agency soon.