Rebels are in serious need of better mascot ideas

Published 12:29 pm Thursday, July 8, 2010

Ole Miss apparently is in need of a new mascot.

Colonel Reb was sent off to pasture as he clashed with the school’s pedestrian attempt to run away from its Confederate heritage. In a more inclusive state where the separation of the past is exactly that, in the past, that’s understandable.

But the old, white-haired guy who looked like Mark Twain on steroids had brand identity. Charisma.

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And he looked awesome shooting T-shirts out of a cannon. But he is no more. Bummer.

The Ole Miss folks have decided on a raft of contenders and recently wrapped up voting on which one was the least worst of the bunch. Calling it like it is, all of the suggestions are politically correct, boring trash. They produce more yawns than President Barack Obama reading anything off a teleprompter or listening to Zamfir’s version of “Enter Sandman” on the “mystical” pan flute.

A pillar? Please. That’s all Ole Miss needs, another immovable object.

A bear? Ole Miss would be like Auburn dealing with a serious case of mascot confusion. We’re Tigers, but our cry is “War Eagle.” Huh? The university needs to bear down and try again.

Blues musician? Sold his soul at the crossroads.

Cardinal? What the heck does that red bird from St. Louis have to do with Ole Miss? Ahem… nothing.

Rebel horse? Wilbur, it’s not a winnnnnnnner.

Mojo? The Permian High Panthers of “Friday Night Lights” fame and their jailed 23-year-old Haitian immigrant star basketball player are suing for copyright infringement. Besides, who wants to hear The Doors’ “L.A. Woman” as the hottie toddies sing “Mr. Mojo risin’?” Ugh.

Titan? That’s a truck made by Nissan, not an Ole Miss mascot. Maybe if Nissan kicked in some sponsorship dollars? Hmmmm… Vaught-Hemingway Stadium at Nissan Field? It works, maybe.

A steamboat pilot. That’s an idea that should be up the river stuck without a paddle.

They need some fresh ideas. A lot of ’em. Quickly. It’s a shame they rejected the one really cool mascot, the original rebel, Admiral Ackbar of Star Wars fame. At least he worked for the Rebel Alliance.

It’s a trap, indeed.

But here are some suggestions they might try:

• An anthropomorphic red plastic cup. This idea is a total winner. Nothing says Ole Miss like beautiful young belles drinking adult beverages in red cups under oak trees in the Grove. Nothing. Why not personify it? Nothing says Ole Miss like a red plastic cup filled with bourbon on the rocks.

• Or how about bring back Ed Orgeron? Not as a coach, mind you. That didn’t work out very well. No, as a mascot. He’s probably going to be unemployed soon anyway, seeing that USC was bombed by the NCAA back to the stone, ahem, Orgeron, age. He’s scary. He’s big. And he’d probably look cool and intimidating ripping off his shirt and leading one side of Vaught-Hemingway in “Wild” and the other in “Boys.” He’d be a hit in merchandising sales and no opposing mascot would dare tangle with him. It’d be awesome.

My contact number is listed below, Ole Miss. I’ve got plenty more ideas.