About once a month, unsolicited, a package of fliers, cheap cardboard advertisements and pizza coupons arrives in the mailbox. About 99 of 99 times, the papers are “filed” into the Waste Management filing drawer.

What if, though, that folded mess of glossy former trees held real bargains?

Ah, satellite television — the first lesson in print size. Any newspaper reader knows the bigger the headline, the stronger the story. Same is true for advertising. The company’s flier, in huge print, reads: Now get over 150 channels. Not bad. Local channels included*.

Nothing good comes from the symbols after a phrase. This satellite company uses stars, up arrows, crosses, double-up arrows, circles and diamonds — and plenty of exclamation points.

Lock in for two years and receive free HD DVR upgrades for $29.99 a month — and free HD access and HBO and Showtime for three months and free to install. What a bargain. Oh no, one must purchase an extra package to get all those deals — extra as in an extra $35 a month. Fine print, folks. Filed.

Free Walmart gift certificate and final expense quote. Pretty straight forward, call to receive a quote on your death expense and shop at Walmart, which sometimes resembles death. How much is the gift certificate? Who knows. And where can one spend it? Walmart, right? No. Fine print: Not affiliated or endorsed by Walmart or any government agency. Five separate printings, all in bright red ink and large print, advertise a free gift certificate to a Walmart, but not that Walmart. Thanks for the offer. Filed.

Save today on your prescriptions — up to 60 percent savings at your pharmacy. “Up to” is fine way to say one person has saved 60 percent, you will save between 0 and 60 percent. I say you’re “up to” some shenanigans. Not even going to go see my friend the pharmacist Joe Durst on Halls Ferry Road on this one. Filed.

Life insurance policy: $1.00* — ever seen a star next to George Washington’s face? — buys $50,000 in life insurance. So does the Louisiana Lottery. Filed.

Children’s insurance — the dog is ineligible — reads: $5,000 doubles to $10,000. Brilliant. Wonder how they reached that conclusion? Filed.

The winner, though, in the first (and last) unsolicited flier bargain hunt extravaganza goes to, drumroll please … a home security company with a three-letter name. That company is offering FREE (an $850 value) home security system! Included are front and back doors protected — no mention of side doors — infrared motion detector, digital keypad, interior siren (so as not to disturb the neighbors) and control panel. All of it free, it says so right there.

Free “only with” $99 installation fee and purchase of alarm monitoring system. Lord knows that isn’t free. Buried deep in the bifocal print — free means signing a 3-year commitment at $36 per month, or $1,294.64 — for FREE!

Oh, I missed one of the features — lawn sign and window decal. How much are those two alone? How bout I send you 10 bucks, you send me two lawn signs and three decals. I will put them in my yard and on my windows. Robber shows up, neighbor’s house has no signs, my house has signs, who is he going to rob? I already saved $1,284.64 (and the $99 installation fee because even I can plant signs in a yard and affix decals to windows) and I feel almost as safe as if I had the infrared motion detector protecting the side door.

Filed.

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Sean P. Murphy is web** editor. He can be reached at smurphy@vicksburgpost.com

*Free only refers to a reader’s free will to read this. Customers are required to pay a charge due on receipt of this product that could result in up to a 1 percent savings based on market research of other media companies throughout the USA and Canada.

**Does not apply to webbed feet, Spud Webb or Spiderman.