Time to give gifts to state’s sports teams

Published 10:30 am Tuesday, December 23, 2014

It’s that time of year again.

Christmas is here, and if you were tired of your kid singing that Frozen song 24-7 then bunker down, because Jingle Bells is waaaaaaay worse.

The holiday season has quickly approached, bringing with it all the wonderful trappings attached to the Christmas season. In between dodging your aunt for fantasy football money and stopping grandpa from drunkenly yelling at a candy cane, it’s a busy time of year.

Email newsletter signup

Sign up for The Vicksburg Post's free newsletters

Check which newsletters you would like to receive
  • Vicksburg News: Sent daily at 5 am
  • Vicksburg Sports: Sent daily at 10 am
  • Vicksburg Living: Sent on 15th of each month

But we all know the real reason for the season, and that’s to get as many presents as possible while spending as little time with the in-laws as you can. Don’t worry. They think the same about you.

With that said, it’s time to give out some Christmas presents of my own. Feel very lucky, the three of you reading this, because you’re a part of the inaugural Vicksburg Post “Here’s Some Stuff, Now Shut Up” present extravaganza!

We’ll start with the state schools, seeing as how two of them tried their hardest to make this the best football season in Mississippi since Tamagotchi pets were cool.

To Ole Miss fans, I give you Chad Kelly another Manning birth. One of them has to pop out a kid soon, and of course he’ll be a boy who can throw a football 50 yards right out of the womb. If it’s Eli’s kid, he’s definitely going to Oxford with a Brooks Brothers suitcase full of bow ties and ibuprofen. I also gift my Rebel friends a Katy Perry CD, because I know how much y’all love her now.

For Mississippi State, I give you an enormous cage so you’ll have a place to hold the giant monkey you flung off your back by beating LSU in Baton Rouge for the first time since George Bush Sr. was in the White House. You’ll also be getting a giant inflatable No. 1 to commemorate that ranking you held for seven weeks, but for some reason it deflates whenever you say Roll Tide.

My dear Southern Miss faithful, you get a bottle of Tums bigger than Mississippi State’s cage. You’ll also be receiving a highlight DVD of the 2011 football season with in-game commentary from Larry Fedora after chugging 13 Red Bulls in a row.

And as for the local teams…

Warren Central will be getting a new senior class just as good as this past one. I know that seems impossible seeing as how important these guys were to rebuilding the foundation for the Vikings, but Santa dipped into the eggnog and was feeling extra generous this year.

Vicksburg will be getting a giant gift of patience and time. With Joe Johnson stepping into the starting role under center and a year of coach Marcus Rogers’ system in the books, the Gators aren’t far off from being a contender in their region.

Porters Chapel, I give you a homemade trophy and a firm handshake. Making the playoffs as a 2-8 team is more impressive than winning the Super Bowl.

And for St. Al, the final gift on this holiday giving spree, I give coach BJ Smithhart a new rosary.

Lord knows he withered the last one down to dust praying DeMichael Harris, Connor Smith and the rest of his talented roster wouldn’t get hurt.

Merry Christmas to you all and enjoy the gifts.

They weren’t cheap.

Cory Gunkel is a reporter and can be reached by email at cory.gunkel@vicksburgpost.com or by phone at 601-636-4545.