Flustered at the fickle winds of fantasy football

Published 9:00 am Thursday, November 12, 2015

Fantasy football is like Fight Club. The first rule is, don’t talk about your fantasy football team. Nobody wants to hear about the bad beats, the 20-minute explanation of your league’s scoring system, how you lost a Week 4 game by two points because stupid Marques Colston got tackled at the 1-yard line, etc.

I’m about to break the rules. Please forgive me.

My team is a flaming, five-alarm, 1-8 dumpster fire. We’re talking dead hobos coated in ambergris, with dead mackerel in their pockets, all slow-roasted over a burning sulfur pit level of stink.

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After drafting Rob Gronkowski seventh overall in our draft, I somehow whiffed on my next nine picks. Peyton Manning used to be great. The second he became part of the “Factory of Sadness” he turned into Kelly Holcomb.

Megatron? More like Bumblebee.

I drafted two Alfreds at running back — Morris and Blue — and Bruce Wayne’s butler probably could run for more yards than either one of them. I shopped at the Joique (Bell) store. They said no refunds.

The waiver wire has even conspired against me. I managed to pick up a couple of good players, only to see them get hurt. It’s like someone has a voodoo doll for every player on my team. I merely thought about picking up Cowboys running back Lance Dunbar and he shredded his knee three days later.

Anyone you don’t like? Anybody playing the Saints that you really want to see lose? Let me know. For a small fee I can do something about it.

The only thing harder than winning all of your games in fantasy football, a game so random you’d often have an easier time winning the lottery than picking a perfect lineup, is losing them. As long as you have some concept of what you’re doing, even with a bad team you should win at least four or five times a season.

I started 0-12 in a league once, but that was when I inherited a team and could only marginally improve my players. This time, it’s just been a debacle as my team gets debacled on a weekly basis.

At this point, the season is gone. Bragging rights shall not be mine. Without purposely tanking, I want to see if the Factory of Sadness can finish 1-15, just to see if it can be done.

It’s no longer a game. It’s a quest. A quest for awfulness.

Wish me luck.

Ernest Bowker can be reached at ernest.bowker@vicksburgpost.com

About Ernest Bowker

Ernest Bowker is The Vicksburg Post's sports editor. He has been a member of The Vicksburg Post's sports staff since 1998, making him one of the longest-tenured reporters in the paper's 140-year history. The New Jersey native is a graduate of LSU. In his career, he has won more than 50 awards from the Mississippi Press Association and Associated Press for his coverage of local sports in Vicksburg.

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