GUIZERIX: Testing my marriage with an Elvis Presley lamp

Published 4:00 am Wednesday, January 19, 2022

My husband loves me. Of that, I have no doubt.

Still, every now and then I find amusement in the form of a little practical joke. While shopping with my mother at The Open Market on Saturday, we came across a shrine.

There he was. The King, Elvis Presley, in all his glory. Incandescent rock and roll before us. To be more specific, in a booth on the far side of the store, an Elvis table lamp was proudly displayed. He’d seen better days, with his 1970s sideburns chipped and the shine rubbed off the rhinestones on the collar of his white polyester jumpsuit.

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But this bust of Elvis and its lampshade with matching trim was perfect for my purposes.

It began as an innocent text to my poor, unsuspecting spouse.

“I just bought this for our bedroom. We can turn it so Elvis can gaze upon us while we sleep.”

He managed but one reply: “Please, no.”

From there, I commenced making my case. It’s a collectible, I explained. A classic piece of Americana. It’s Elvis, in lamp form. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

He still wasn’t convinced, so I decided to land my final strike: I’d already bought it at the reasonable price of $250.

Defenseless, my husband sent another text message.

“I thought you were joking… If you really like it, we can keep it.”

I’m pretty sure my laughter could be heard throughout The Open Market.

Unfortunately, that glorious bust of Elvis does not match my decor scheme, so when I came home empty-handed, the jig was up. He’s still there, waiting for some lucky customer to take him home — and no, he doesn’t cost $250.

While my little prank was a source of entertainment for a moment, it also affirmed what I already knew. My husband must love me a pretty good bit.

I can think of very few people who’d willingly bring an Elvis lamp into their homes in this day and age. And I can think of only one person who’d not only be willing to bring that lamp into our home, but also tolerate my occasional shenanigans.

I hope everyone has someone who loves them that much. And, for Elvis’s sake, I hope someone buys that lamp soon.