[9/16/04] For rent: Prognosticator guaranteed to get everything wrong. Has historical track record of picking losers in football, baseball and basketball. Will predict political, car and horse races. Reasonable rates.

One week ago, the latest in an impressive string of losing predictions was made by yours truly. Not only would Southern Miss not beat Nebraska, they didn’t have a chance against California.

Tonight was supposed to be the night Southern Miss again proved me wrong. Tonight was the night that the jig is finally up. Tonight was supposed to be “You Know Nothing Night” in Hattiesburg.

Of course, Southern Miss would have won. I picked against them. I’d pick the loser in a one-horse race. If 10 cars were racing and I predicted the order of finish, only five would complete the course.

Somehow over time, sports scribes have become known for supposedly knowing everything about the sports we cover. Many make predictions backed up by facts, weather forecasts and Wall Street trends.

In actuality, you could take a Gorilla, dress it in a football uniform and have it gesture at a team and its guess would be more accurate than I have been.

Many nights, strangers will ask my input on this game or that, this race of that golf match. Many listen intently as if they can see the money accumulating in their Vegas bank accounts.

I am sure I’ve made many a man rich: just bet against the sports editor.

I believe I could make money doing this. I am available to predict anything you like. Money back guarantee? Well, no.

As a good-faith gesture, these are free:

The Saints will reach the Super Bowl.

Maine will beat Mississippi State in the biggest upset in the history of the school.

Ole Miss quarterbacks Ethan Flatt and Micheal Spurlock will each throw six interceptions in a 40-point loss to Vanderbilt.

John F. Kerry will win the presidential election, then lose it before finally winning it again. He will then provide every man, woman and child in North America with health care, jobs, new cars and big boats. Then he’ll take it all away.

Hillary Clinton will become our president in 2008, beating former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani by 20 million votes.

All of our local high school football teams will lose every game the rest of the season.

The Boston Red Sox will overtake …

Even someone with as a checkered a prediction history as I cannot pick the Sox for anything.

I have values. I have morals.

And I loathe the Boston Red Sox.

Anything else is open game. Please inquire for rates.

Sean P. Murphy is sports editor of The Vicksburg Post. E-mail him at smurphy@vicksburgpost.com.