I read somewhere that Congress had passed 8,000 laws in the past 12 months. Man, I thought, that’s a lot.

Of course, lots of the laws were passed in batches — perhaps to preserve the vocal chords of our leaders and perhaps to keep the clerks who call their names from filing workers’ comp claims.

Anyway, I’ve come up with five laws that I think would get America right again, or at least get the blood pressure of Americans right again. They could pass them in a batch or individually. Makes no difference to me.

1. No fine print.

In written and spoken English, people (or companies) would have to do what they say they’ll do. No friendly insurance companies collecting cash for comprehensive coverage and then pointing out exceptions when a claim is made. “Comprehensive” is a word with a perfectly clear definition. It means everything.

Same for bumper-to-bumper warranties. My truck has a front bumper. My truck has a back bumper. I’m pretty sure my radio is between the two. If it stops working, I don’t want a service manager to show me any fine print. I want him to respect the fact that when I was told there was a bumper-to-bumper warranty, there was no asterisk.

2. No waiting.

This could have been in the health legislation, but it wasn’t. No one would be allowed to fail to provide services at times established by mutual agreement. In an age where everyone has a computer, a cell phone and medical offices have a bevy of key-punchers and form-completers, it is beyond the pale that any patient would be expected to wait an hour, much less three or four. The rationale among doctors and their more patient patients is that “things come up.” Well, that’s true. But “things come up” in other people’s lives, too.

The no-waiting rule would be a goose and gander law, too. People late for an appointment would be skipped and have to make a new appointment. If you make a deal, keep it or break it.

Do note that waiting would continue in some contexts. Grocery check-out lanes, for example. That’s OK, because people don’t make appointments to buy groceries.

3. No cute spelling.

We have dictionaries. We have spell-check. The Dairy Barn Ice Cream Shop would have to be The Dairy Barn Ice Cream Shop, not the Day-Ree Barne Ice Creame Shoppe. (Some merchants still put an “e” on the end of words in store names thinking it adds class. I think they do it just to aggravate people.)

Law No. 3 is going to attract a lot of lobbying from the texting industry. Texters consider abbreviating and misspelling to be art forms. I say too bad. If you want to make noises at each other, make noises at each other. If you want to communicate, use words. They’re old-fashioned (olde-fashioned), but they still work.

Creative business names would be allowed. Curl Up and Dye, for example, could be a hair salon. But not Kurl Up And Dye.

4. No cold calls.

I know there are state and federal laws under which people can ask for peace at home, but I guess they don’t apply to businesses. At the newspaper where I work we could have a 40-hour employee who does nothing but says no thanks to vendors of light bulbs (special price today only), photocopier supplies (special price today only) and floor polish (special price today only).

Half the time when I answer my phone expecting a cussing (common) or a compliment (less common), a cheery person says, “Mr. Meechill, we’d like to send you a free roll of toilet paper.” Of course the plan is to send the company 99 rolls at triple the going price (sorry) and one free.

5. No plastic lids I can’t open.

This applies to pill bottles, bug spray and such — but also to potentially less dangerous items. If anybody knows a quick way to get into a fruit tray from a deli, please give me a call. I tried everything short of dynamite and have gone back to buying whole pineapples and watermelons and doing the dicing myself.

These suggestions are made only partly in jest. We have a lot more tension in our lives than we need to have. As a rule, every day Congress gavels itself into session the angst of Americans is ratcheted up a notch. “What will they do to us next?” is on the minds of thinking people.

And I say they should give us a break.

Pass five simple edicts to give us some relief. They say they’re for the working man. This way they could prove it.

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Charlie Mitchell is executive editor of The Vicksburg Post. Write to him at Box 821668, Vicksburg, MS 39182, or e-mail cmitchell@vicksburgpost.com.